By Richard W. Shoup, D. Min., and Virgil Roberson, L.P., M. Div., NCPsyA, Executive Director, The Counseling Center

April 3, 2024: Couples seek help all the time with a relationship in deep trouble.  They may not be headed for immediate separation or divorce, but they know that things are not nearly as good as they used to be, and some precipitating event usually occurs that makes them think they need help working on their relationship.  Many couples hope to make the relationship better, others want help in figuring out if this is the right relationship for them going forward, and still others are pretty sure they need to break up because their hurts are too deep, the patterns of destructive behavior are too ingrained, and the relationship is going nowhere.

We couples therapists often turn to the research of Dr. John Gottman, American psychology researcher and expert on coupledom whose book The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse describes four behaviors that can be warning signs of a deteriorating relationship: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. 

Criticism arises when either partner resorts to “you are” or “you did” statements, rather than “I feel” statements toward the other. A discussion that starts out to try to solve a problem turns into a mutual blame fest and character assassination.  It often escalates higher and higher in intensity and volume until the couple is bashing each other.

Contempt can appear as non-verbal methods of expressing judgement. When one person is speaking, the other one is sighing deeply, making a face, or rolling their eyes--showing that they do not accept one word their partner is saying.  Gottman says this particular horseman is indicative of the probable outcome of the relationship; he assumes the couple will separate unless, with help, they can break out of this pattern of behavior.

The sarcastic postures that express contempt can evolve into the third horseman, defensiveness, an automatic defense of one’s behavior.  One or both parties will not accept the points made by the other and will try to deflect them or push them away. Fights often result in which each partner returns the criticism, even escalating it, without taking responsibility for any part of the interaction. In other words, each member of the couple sees the other as fully responsible for what is not working in the relationship. This, too, will prevent the couple from getting anywhere.

Couples are rarely able to hear and relate to each other once the communication becomes either/or, black/white, right/wrong.  The fourth horseman, stonewalling, can then come into play. Stonewalling involves a conscious shutting down, an emotional withdrawal, a “flight” response, and a blocking out of what the other person is saying.  Leaving the room, not listening, texting, or just plain ignoring the other person, especially when they are trying to make an important point, are all examples of stonewalling.

All of these patterns of behavior can be improved with conscious effort and the help of a trained couples therapist.  If you recognize one of the above behaviors in your relationship now and then, it may not indicate a serious deterioration; but if you recognize all of them often, the relationship needs emergency help! So don’t delay. Three good people working together can make a relationship better!

The Counseling Center in Bronxville offers therapy for individuals, couples, and families, both in person and through telehealth (online or by phone). Please feel free to reach out if we can help, by calling Dr. Jennifer Klein, 914 793, 3388. To keep abreast of ongoing information and activities at The Counseling Center, please visit our website at https://counselingcenter.org/.