By Lynn Evansohn, LCSW, The Counseling Center

Jan. 24, 2024: We live in a fractured and contentious world.  A world in which it has become more difficult to live in communion with one another, to hold our friends and communities close.  Yet it is exactly that interpersonal connection and closeness which allow us to thrive as individuals and as a society.

During anxious and divided times, we feel a growing loss of belonging and connectedness.  Yet belonging is a fundamental human need.  A report by the American Immigration Council states that when people belong “they feel emotionally connected, welcomed, included and satisfied in their relationships.  They know that they are valued for who they are as well as for their contributions, can bring their whole and authentic self to the table, and are comfortable expressing their thoughts and opinions.”  This is a clear prescription for health and equanimity.

In this time when technology has become a powerful force, one which can amplify judgment rather than understanding, bringing people together, reaching out to people we care about--neighbors, co-workers, etc.--creating positive dialogue and action, can build the foundation for our individual and collective wellbeing.  We are often surprised to learn how a seemingly small act of kindness has had a meaningful impact.  Yet examples of kindness abound and are expressions of our natural inclination toward inclusion and capacity to care and pay attention.  We have all witnessed communities coming together to help those in need or crisis, or to provide services such as voter registration and food banks.  In so doing we create opportunities for people to join one another to support important shared values.

On a purely biological level, our connection to other people is vital.  According to Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, “When people are socially disconnected, their risk of anxiety and depression increases.  So does their risk of heart disease (29 percent), dementia (50 percent), and stroke (32 percent).”  Have you ever felt your body relax or your mood change when you’ve been met by a warm welcome from a checkout clerk, postman, or your favorite coffee barista?  On a deeper level, do you recall the sense of wellbeing and ease you’ve felt during a conversation with a trusted friend?  The effects of connection register in our nervous, immune, and endocrine systems, creating energy flow and balance.

We have all experienced loneliness and isolation at different times in our lives, whether from the loss of a job or loved one, divorce, a house move, or isolating depression.  What do we hunger for in these circumstances?  Many people look for the warmth, acceptance and understanding of friendship.  We also look for situations in our lives where we have a place, a role, a clear value.

Despite their interconnectedness, people can still feel alone and overwhelmed.  The unique offerings of friendship are the antidote to our sense of separation and, perhaps, even our fears.  The basic qualities of friendship--kindness, generosity, acceptance and understanding--sustain us through joyous times and dark ones.  So do our willingness to show up and be present, to pay attention, to listen deeply and with empathy, to cultivate an open heart. 

It's not always easy to develop or maintain a relationship.  And all friendships do not endure.  As friends we must gain insight, investigate, give thought, and earn trust by being reliable; we must accept the limitations of the relationship yet continue to invest in it.  Caring friendships increase our sense of self-confidence and self-worth.  They strengthen our ability to cope with the inevitable challenges life offers.  Our meaningful relationships enrich our lives and push us to welcome change when we need to.  

The great Persian poet, Hafiz, wrote these words more than 700 years ago in his poem “My Brilliant Image.”

I wish I could show you,

When you are lonely or in darkness,

The Astonishing Light

Of your own Being!

The essence of friendship remains constant and enduring.  Our options in friendship are as big as the world and our own imagination.

The Counseling Center in Bronxville offers therapy for individuals, couples, and families, both in person and through telehealth (online or by phone). Please feel free to reach out if we can help, by calling Dr. Jennifer Klein, 914 793, 3388. To keep abreast of ongoing information and activities at The Counseling Center, please visit our website at https://counselingcenter.org/.