By Virgil Roberson, L.P., M.DIV., NCPsyA, Executive Director, The Counseling Center

Dec, 6, 2023: As we turn our attention to the holidays, some people ask, “What do I want?” and create wish lists of the gifts they hope to receive. For others, the question touches upon a deeper need. Whether you’re celebrating Christmas, Hanukah, or Kwanzaa, it’s worth asking: What do you really want this holiday season

Sometimes, we face the holidays with trepidation, wondering how we can find meaning during this frenetic time of year, when we seek peace and find conflict, search for meaning and find consumerism; when our “to do” list seems to grow by the minute. We ask: Can I feel contentment amidst the chaos? Can I create harmony in my home? Will people think of me and show that they care? Can I respond to others in ways that draw us together rather than pull us apart?

We might start by identifying what we need.  Maybe we crave time alone to recharge or someone to help with holiday preparations. Maybe we want permission to continue an exercise routine or regular AA attendance.  Maybe we wish we could spend less time with family and more with friends.  Or we really want to put serious discussions aside and just have fun. Whatever we need, it’s our responsibility to ask for it, however awkward that might feel.  If we state our needs clearly and respectfully, we’re more apt to receive positive responses.  What we don’t want can also be part of the discussion.

Slowing down enough to simply be present in each moment can also be a wonderful gift to oneself.  We can savor the sounds, sights, and smells on a meditative walk or at a community event. Even standing in the cold and dark for a few moments, we can experience the promise of warmth and light.  

A simple breathing exercise might also be helpful. Taking a pause and connecting with our breath, perhaps using the 10-20-10 exercise--breathe in for 10 seconds, breathe out for 20 seconds, breathe in for 10 seconds—can facilitate a mental reset.

By being fully present—not in every moment, which is impossible, but in more of them—our feelings may become heightened; we may experience the holidays more deeply.

Another approach to defining what we really want might be to consider the question the other way around.  What if we ask not only, "What do I want?' but also, "What would I like to give?" 

Would we like to call the friend we haven’t contacted for many months?  Would we like to donate our time to a worthy cause, especially one that brings us into contact with people whose life experiences might be different from our own?  Would we like to give thanks -- vocally, explicitly -- to people we appreciate in our life?  Through our own loving acts, we often unlock meaning, enrichment, and connection.  

If you’re struggling this holiday season, in whatever way, we invite you to contact The Counseling Center.  Often talking through your concerns with a trained therapist can offer fresh perspectives and greater clarity, illuminating a way forward. 

The Counseling Center in Bronxville offers therapy for individuals, couples, and families, both in person and through telehealth (online or by phone). Please feel free to reach out if we can help, by calling Dr. Jennifer Klein, 914 793, 3388. To keep abreast of ongoing information and activities at The Counseling Center, please visit our website at https://counselingcenter.org/.