By Jennifer Jordan, The Counseling Center

Sept. 10, 2025: Many couples love playing or watching competitive sports.  Activities like watching football, cheering our kids on at soccer, or playing tennis can be wonderful connective tissue in a relationship--with many experiences shared and valuable life lessons learned. It’s no wonder that sports metaphors are so relatable to so many of us.

That said, competitive sports can fall short as a metaphor when it comes to marriage —particularly the binary focus on winning or losing.  When competitiveness seeps into everyday dynamics, the focus can shift quickly from understanding our partner’s needs to winning the argument.  In lasting relationships, we are not looking for our partner to lose. We are looking for win-wins. Or from time to time, a satisfying tie. 

Offense and defense are key strategic parts of any sport, but neither is helpful in relationships. Offense means going on the attack; in relationships, this is received as hurtful. Defensiveness—protecting yourself or your turf--is the opposite of caring, curiosity, connection.  It shuts our partner out.  Being kept at a distance repeatedly doesn’t feel loving or intimate; so the hurt, tension and oppositional dynamic builds. 

In healthy relationships, scoring points doesn’t mean winning a point in an argument.  It means showing up for your partner in the ways that they need:  perhaps setting your phone aside and listening, doing a chore without reminders, lighting up when they walk in the room, remembering to record their favorite show, saying thank you, showing affection. Forget scoreboards: as you fill each other’s emotional tanks and respect each other’s needs, you both feel successful at loving and you both feel loved.  Win-win. 

Where sports analogies can help most is in the idea of teamwork – even when you disagree.  If you approach a problem with the mindset of teammates rather than opponents, you can use your unique perspectives collaboratively and respectfully toward the same goals. 

Sports also teaches us to give our best effort consistently. We don’t just show up for game day; we practice the skills that make us successful as partners every day.  We learn from our mistakes and work toward improvement.  We don’t focus on past losses but lean into current challenges. We pick each other up and cheer each other on.  And we remember the value of play, fun, and togetherness.  By tapping into these sports lessons together, life partners can dial back the competition and use their mutual passion constructively.